[Jayce slides his pinky finger toward Viktor's hand, this still-shy dance they do around each other. Viktor should know by now he has no problem doing whatever is asked of him.
... Except maybe this subject Viktor keeps approaching. He can pick up the pieces enough of what Viktor's implying, and Jayce frowns, a little bit of irritation in his brow as he pushes himself up on his elbows.]
We don't have to talk about it. We both did things we regret, can't we just... pretend it didn't happen? Move on?
[ Viktor's eyes sharpen at that as he looks away and frowns as brows knit together. His hand instinctively curls into the bed sheets as he lets out a soft scoff at Jayce's words. ]
That would be ideal, would it not? I do wish that it were that simple, Jayce. But I know of it. I know what I have done not just to you but to all those people...and you want me to simply forget it in the first place?
[ And here he will wince as that familiar headache returns, one that has persisted since his arrival here and only conjures images of his face splitting into two. He will bring a hand to his temple as those thousands of voices screaming out their dreams, their desires, ring in his head. ]
I do not think this place is that forgiving to allow me that. I do not think I am allowed to have such things either.
[He’s sitting up more fully now, the tone of the conversation shifting to the point where having it horizontal seemed disrespectful.]
We’re in a new place, with new people. No one knows us here, or knows what we’ve done. We could start over completely.
[Jayce sees Viktor wince, presumably some sort of headache from the argument they’re most certainly about to have, but Jayce doesn’t let up.]
I’m trying to put Piltover behind me because otherwise I’m going to drive myself crazy. I’m…
[He unclenches his jaw, feeling tension building in him too. His leg aches and he stares hard at it, even though it had felt fine moments ago. A psychosomatic reaction, probably. He huffs, frustrated and feeling himself closing off.]
I’m trying to be someone you still want to be around. I tell myself it’s not worth thinking about all the details because being anywhere with you is where I want to be. What do you want me to say? That I have to sleep with the lights on, because if I wake up in the complete dark, I think I’m back inside that ravine? That if I eat something too slimy, I immediately have to throw up? Sometimes my leg hurts so bad I just want to cut it off. Do you want me to blame you for all of that? Do you blame me for everything I’ve done to you?
I. I am trying to put it behind me as well, Jayce. [ But the voices, the visions, the nightmares keep reminding him daily of his past transgressions. ]
Someone I want to be around? How can you think that I don't? Even after everything we have done to one another, my feelings for you are still the same. I could never blame you for what you have done. [ He had made a promise to the Mage after all. To another him to do what needed to be done. To protect innocent people from getting hurt. ]
There is no one else but you for me, here or back home. However, I do not feel like I am someone you should want to be around either. [ There is so much hurt in his voice as he says it. ]
Maybe you should blame me. [ It slips out before he can even stop himself. He looks back over at Jayce with those eyes swirling with blues and grays. Blame him because he deserves it, because he needs to feel like some of the blame is his, and the pain and suffering he's caused Jayce is a sin he has to atone for here. ]
If it were not for the mage...if it were not for me- [ a thick swallow as his hexcorized hand reaches out to lightly touch Jayce's leg. ] -your leg, your mind, neither would be in such a state.
[ More than that, the cycle of pain, violence, and heartbreak would not have been continuous either. ]
I do not feel like I am someone you should want to be around because of these things. But I. I need you. When you are near the voices, the visions, the nightmares are not as...they are not as severe. The headaches... [ He just gives Jayce's this weary, tired look. ]
Because I wouldn’t want to be around me, if I was you!
[He doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he says it so suddenly it surprises even him. It’s all Jayce’s fault, after all. Viktor had warned him the Hexcore was dangerous, and Jayce is the one who not only failed to destroy it, but made it a part of Viktor’s body. How could he blame Viktor for what he did, when Jayce is the reason any of it happened?]
You wanted to help people, and I couldn’t let you go— I was so desperate to not lose you I— I corrupted your dream. [Viktor’s beautiful dream. The commune. The plants. It all could have worked, if they had done things just a little differently. If Jayce hadn’t insisted they follow the Council’s orders for seven years, and instead they jumped right to doing something actually useful and meaningful to people. No fucking around with Hexgates or lasers. Just plants. Peaceful living. It could have worked.]
How could I blame you when I don’t know how you can even stand to look at me?
[Viktor touches his leg so gently, and Jayce finally drags his eyes up to Viktor’s own. He laughs once, humorlessly. Everything feels like a cruel joke.]
What a pair. You think you’re selfish for wanting to be around me, and I thought I was selfish for wanting the same.
[ There's an almost imperceptible twitch of Viktor's fingers at that shout from the other. Not unused to such things from Jayce, he doesn't move from his spot but only turns to look at Jayce more fully. His hand is wavering as he raises it to gently cup Jayce's cheek. ]
We both lost sight of what our dream was supposed to be. We both failed to notice that our dream was doomed from the very start. The Council would never have allowed for any of it. Picking who to blame will not change what has happened. But I created the hexcore to begin with, and in my desire to try and live, to cheat death, it changed me. My obsession with the hexcore allowed it to fully utilize that to its advantage over me. The dream it showed me was not a dream I would ever have wanted. The commune it was...it was horrifying. I. I did not help anyone; I only hurt and took from them.
[ Took from them the same things that had been taken from him his entire life, choice. Perhaps in a perfect world, it would have been different; it could have worked if things hadn't gone as horribly wrong as they had. ]
How could you ever think that I would not want to look at the man who has only ever seen me? [ He will slowly caress Jayce's cheek with his metallic thumb, that thrumming in his chest coming alive once again. ]
We are quite the selfish pair, but we are somehow managing. Not as, eh, bad as I would have imagined either. [ And here he will press his forehead against Jayce's, his eyes fluttering closed for a brief second as he speaks. ]
My dream...our dream, it all meant nothing without you.
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no subject
... Except maybe this subject Viktor keeps approaching. He can pick up the pieces enough of what Viktor's implying, and Jayce frowns, a little bit of irritation in his brow as he pushes himself up on his elbows.]
We don't have to talk about it. We both did things we regret, can't we just... pretend it didn't happen? Move on?
no subject
That would be ideal, would it not? I do wish that it were that simple, Jayce. But I know of it. I know what I have done not just to you but to all those people...and you want me to simply forget it in the first place?
[ And here he will wince as that familiar headache returns, one that has persisted since his arrival here and only conjures images of his face splitting into two. He will bring a hand to his temple as those thousands of voices screaming out their dreams, their desires, ring in his head. ]
I do not think this place is that forgiving to allow me that. I do not think I am allowed to have such things either.
no subject
We’re in a new place, with new people. No one knows us here, or knows what we’ve done. We could start over completely.
[Jayce sees Viktor wince, presumably some sort of headache from the argument they’re most certainly about to have, but Jayce doesn’t let up.]
I’m trying to put Piltover behind me because otherwise I’m going to drive myself crazy. I’m…
[He unclenches his jaw, feeling tension building in him too. His leg aches and he stares hard at it, even though it had felt fine moments ago. A psychosomatic reaction, probably. He huffs, frustrated and feeling himself closing off.]
I’m trying to be someone you still want to be around. I tell myself it’s not worth thinking about all the details because being anywhere with you is where I want to be. What do you want me to say? That I have to sleep with the lights on, because if I wake up in the complete dark, I think I’m back inside that ravine? That if I eat something too slimy, I immediately have to throw up? Sometimes my leg hurts so bad I just want to cut it off. Do you want me to blame you for all of that? Do you blame me for everything I’ve done to you?
no subject
Someone I want to be around? How can you think that I don't? Even after everything we have done to one another, my feelings for you are still the same. I could never blame you for what you have done. [ He had made a promise to the Mage after all. To another him to do what needed to be done. To protect innocent people from getting hurt. ]
There is no one else but you for me, here or back home. However, I do not feel like I am someone you should want to be around either. [ There is so much hurt in his voice as he says it. ]
Maybe you should blame me. [ It slips out before he can even stop himself. He looks back over at Jayce with those eyes swirling with blues and grays. Blame him because he deserves it, because he needs to feel like some of the blame is his, and the pain and suffering he's caused Jayce is a sin he has to atone for here. ]
If it were not for the mage...if it were not for me- [ a thick swallow as his hexcorized hand reaches out to lightly touch Jayce's leg. ] -your leg, your mind, neither would be in such a state.
[ More than that, the cycle of pain, violence, and heartbreak would not have been continuous either. ]
I do not feel like I am someone you should want to be around because of these things. But I. I need you. When you are near the voices, the visions, the nightmares are not as...they are not as severe. The headaches... [ He just gives Jayce's this weary, tired look. ]
It is selfish of me, and I apologize.
no subject
[He doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he says it so suddenly it surprises even him. It’s all Jayce’s fault, after all. Viktor had warned him the Hexcore was dangerous, and Jayce is the one who not only failed to destroy it, but made it a part of Viktor’s body. How could he blame Viktor for what he did, when Jayce is the reason any of it happened?]
You wanted to help people, and I couldn’t let you go— I was so desperate to not lose you I— I corrupted your dream. [Viktor’s beautiful dream. The commune. The plants. It all could have worked, if they had done things just a little differently. If Jayce hadn’t insisted they follow the Council’s orders for seven years, and instead they jumped right to doing something actually useful and meaningful to people. No fucking around with Hexgates or lasers. Just plants. Peaceful living. It could have worked.]
How could I blame you when I don’t know how you can even stand to look at me?
[Viktor touches his leg so gently, and Jayce finally drags his eyes up to Viktor’s own. He laughs once, humorlessly. Everything feels like a cruel joke.]
What a pair. You think you’re selfish for wanting to be around me, and I thought I was selfish for wanting the same.
no subject
We both lost sight of what our dream was supposed to be. We both failed to notice that our dream was doomed from the very start. The Council would never have allowed for any of it. Picking who to blame will not change what has happened. But I created the hexcore to begin with, and in my desire to try and live, to cheat death, it changed me. My obsession with the hexcore allowed it to fully utilize that to its advantage over me. The dream it showed me was not a dream I would ever have wanted. The commune it was...it was horrifying. I. I did not help anyone; I only hurt and took from them.
[ Took from them the same things that had been taken from him his entire life, choice. Perhaps in a perfect world, it would have been different; it could have worked if things hadn't gone as horribly wrong as they had. ]
How could you ever think that I would not want to look at the man who has only ever seen me? [ He will slowly caress Jayce's cheek with his metallic thumb, that thrumming in his chest coming alive once again. ]
We are quite the selfish pair, but we are somehow managing. Not as, eh, bad as I would have imagined either. [ And here he will press his forehead against Jayce's, his eyes fluttering closed for a brief second as he speaks. ]
My dream...our dream, it all meant nothing without you.