I never thought I would hear such words coming from your mouth, Councilor.
[ Viktor's expression, mostly his eyes, gleam with arousal and amusement. He huffs a soft laugh from his lips as he gives Jayce this look of adoration and unbridled love. Like everything he's ever held inside himself for the last seven years comes pouring out from beneath the surface.
He cocks his head to the side with a smirk as he shudders watching Jayce with hungry, inquisitive eyes. ]
Then you'll have to show me what that entails, taking matters into your hands. Purely for exploratory purposes.
[ For science. To see what it's like. He wants to know what it's like so he can have the knowledge and fill in the missing pieces in his imagination. He wants to know ore about Viktor, he wants to experience him thoroughly because he loves him in a way that he's never known. ]
I can...
[ Councilor. It must be the way that Viktor says it that makes him actually like the title. He's pretty certain, though, that the man could have been saying just about anything and Jayce would be feeling the same way from it. He shifts his body a little, scooting so he's between Viktor's legs. He's moving his lips over the sensitive flesh of the man's inner thigh again, this time with distinct purpose.
He understand how this works in theory, but not really in much practice. So some of it is him experimenting with his lips and hands to see how Viktor reacts. How he moves his lips over the length of the man's cock, placing gentle kisses over it. Using his mouth, as he said he would. It's when he takes the head of it into his mouth that he finally coats fingers with lube. Again, just as promised. ]
[ Viktor responds to Jayce's touch with soft, breathy gasps and sighs as he watches Jayce with an intensity that is normally suited towards his work. And perhaps that is why. Jayce was something to be studied, but not in an overtly clinical manner. But more in a way of fascination, adoration, and love? Viktor enjoys seeing him between his legs, and the creeping red of his blush slowly starts to overtake the normal paleness of his skin.
It's only when Jayce finally takes him into his mouth that Viktor makes a noise, a whimper, short and sweet as his back arches ever so slightly. Feeling the heat of Jayce's mouth around his arousal is almost enough to make him squirm. He will grab some of Jayce's hair, fingers curling into the messy locks, and give a soft tug, making note of his approval. ] That's good, Jayce.
[ Just like that. It feels divine to finally be under Jayce's hand. Something electrifying and powerful about it makes his own cock go hard with excitement and the thrums of pleasure igniting within his body. ] Keep...keep going.
[ The good hits his ears pleasantly. He'll want to hear it again and again, so he's going to do what he can to earn the praise. Everything is beautiful here, he thinks. The sounds of Viktor's voice, the smallest noises he makes, his taste. He looks up towards Viktor with half-lidded eyes as he works to take more of him into his mouth, working slowly - not to tease, but to test. To adjust and get used to the sensation. He bobs his head slightly, dragging his tongue over Viktor's cock.
He'll take Viktor's tugs on his hair as guidance, appreciation, and it's what keeps him focused and intense. His head only stills so he can focus on another task.
He's careful with his hands, moving them up Viktor's inner thighs, spreading his legs just a little more so that he can move his lubed up fingers towards the man's entrance. His first finger gently moves over the muscle there, probing it at first.
It's a silent question with a chance to protest, knowing well that Viktor has a mouth free to object. Gently, he uses his first finger to press into his entrance. His own fingers are larger than Viktor's, so he's slow and careful, dragging his tongue over the tip of his cock to distract from any potential discomfort. ]
[ Viktor's voice is a strangled little thing as Jayce's finger eases itself inside of him. He was already making noises from Jayce's mouth and tongue on his cock but this sends him over the edge is a delightfully thrilling shock of pleasure. Jayce's fingers are bigger than his own, naturally, and even just the one digit inside of him makes him feel full in a way he's never experienced before. He'll lean back into the bed, breath hitching as he shifts his lower body against Jayce's mouth and finger. His hand in Jayce's hair curls into the other's long locks, tugging a bit more, but still gentle in nature.
He'll use his other free hand to twist it into the sheets of the bed as his face goes red hot and he can't help but turn his head away, eyes fluttering closed. ] J-Jayce. Please...
[ It's almost a whine how his voice is pried from his throat, how his body shudders in excitement and need. He needs to feel more though because he's so, so, close. ] Please...another one, Jayce, inside me.
[ He can handle it. It's intoxicating, and Viktor can't seem to get enough of it either. ]
[ He takes pleasure in hearing the sounds Viktor is making. He drinks them in and keeps them stored in his memory for a later time, should he need it. He starts to get used to the rhythm of his head bobbing and moving his finger. He's enjoying the taste of Viktor on his tongue, almost as much as the sound of him. He wants to pull anything he can out of this man that he loves so much he would have ended the world for him.
At the request, he pulls his fingers out, and uses two to probe at Viktor's entrance. Jayce is slow with this part - ensuring that he doesn't hurt Viktor by going too quickly. He has large hands, and it's something he has to consider in this. But he'd also never stop giving the other man what he wants here.
He lets out a pleased groan against Viktor's cock as two fingers are fully inside him. He starts to gently move his fingers back - and then back into Viktor. He finally pulls his mouth off of his cock and smiles. ]
You feel and taste really good already, Viktor. [ The proper training if Piltover society has well been dropped and replaced with zero shame in the admission. ]
Ah! J-Jayce. So good. [ Murmured are those words through parted lips as he has to close his eyes to refocus. The rhythmic movements do little in helping Viktor keep his composure; if anything, he only lets more of those strangled, muted noises as Jayce works his fingers in and out of him. His hips bucking for some deeper purchase, like it's not enough, and never would be enough.
The introduction of two fingers inside of him gets a soft moan of Jayce to be pulled from Viktor's mouth around the panting and heavy breathing he's doing already. He's so close to climax, and then Jayce stops, and Viktor can't help but let out a soft noise of disappointment, the hand in Jayce's hair tugging a little. His half-lidded eyes look down between his quivering legs, face going red hot at those ridiculous words. ]
I-I was getting close. [ A click of his tongue as he tilts his head to the side. ] You are doing so well, Jayce.
[ He wants to kiss him, to taste himself on Jayce's tongue, and his eyes indicate that easily enough with how they stare at Jayce's lips. ]
[ Hearing his name like that brings sound from his lips. The praise being showered onto him is nice, too. And then his eyes meet Viktor's and they're filled with all of the affection that he carries with him. It's that look he gives Viktor all the time anymore - the look like he hung every light in the sky just for him. Watching him as he works his fingers inside of his partner. His fingers are far more gentle with Viktor than they are with nearly anything else. His callused fingers probing and watching and listening for reactions. ]
Sorry.
[ Somehow, it's sincere. Maybe he shouldn't have stopped, but the look he's getting now opens up a different door. It barely takes him a moment to decide where he wants to put his mouth to use. He wants to be gentle as he moves and maneuvers Viktor, careful with each shift of his weight to not hurt either of them. The kiss this time is almost clumsy as he finds a comfortable position, fingers working still slowly and unsteadily. ]
[ Jayce's fingers still working inside him makes Viktor's body alight with a fire of want and desire he's never truly experienced before. He's never had someone who truly loved him to this degree before, either, so perhaps that's why. He shifts in his own position to take some of the weight off his bad leg and his back, opting to shift onto his side, his good leg propped in a way that leaves Jayce uninterrupted with his work. Speaking of which, Jayce's fingers they are certainly more than enough. Viktor has never felt so...full before but he's never done things such as this before either. Too busy with his work, too busy overthinking his faults, too busy to act on his own feelings. But like this, right now with Jayce, he can finally sort through those feelings as he watches Jayce with an intensity that's filled only with love and want. He runs his hand through Jayce's hair, gasping and panting with each consecutive thrust of Jayce's fingers inside of him.
He wants more, needs more of Jayce inside of him. He presses his lips hungrily against Jayce's lips, teeth clattering clumsily against each other as he uses his tongue to get a better taste of Jayce and himself on Jayce's lips. It's almost enough to push him over the edge, but not entirely. As Jayce works himself inside Viktor, he'll use his hips to try and sink himself lower onto Jayce's hand. It feels so good, and he'll moan against Jayce's lips as his kisses him while also keeping his attention firmly on Jayce. ] You better-ah, keep it.
[ Of course he'll keep it. Even words said in the heat of the moment mean something to him. They're full of a decade's worth of desire and yearning. A decade's worth of small, kept promises—outweighed by the big, heavy promise that he broke. Jayce told him he'd show him what it meant to be loved by him and he fully intends to do that.
Viktor feeling good is his top priority right now. He wants nothing more than to know that he was the reason Viktor felt good, too. He wants to give him everything and anything that he can. He takes Viktor's urging with his hips and moves his fingers, thrusting them hard inside of the other. He curls one of his fingers slightly. ]
I will. I love you.
[ It's natural now. Like second nature. Telling Viktor he loves him is easy because Viktor makes it easy for Jayce to love him. It's second nature. And while it may have taken him 7 years to realize how effortless it was, he's going to hold onto that feeling. His lips part, giving Viktor every part of his mouth, allowing him to claim it for himself. He moans, Vik.
He grinds his hips against Viktor's, wanting some of that friction for himself. He's got a good rhythm going with his hand now, steady and rough. ]
Ah! J-Jayce... [ Viktor lets out a soft exclamation as Jayce's finger curls inside of him. He'll bite his lip as he pants and ruts into Jayce's hips making a pleased hum with the introduction of that continuous friction between both their cocks now.
His hand might delve into the space between them both and will do a decent job of steadying their cocks together as he proceeds to run his hand up both their lengths. ]
I want you to enjoy this as-as well. [ He knows Jayce is enjoying it, but in the way of giving Viktor what he so desperately wants. Jayce was always like that, putting others before himself and his own comforts, but Viktor knew it well and wouldn't allow for him to go unattended for any longer. A soft 'ah' from him as he pants into Jayce's lips before kissing him again. His eyes half-lidded, face completely flushed, he can't help but moan into Jayce's mouth as they continue. ]
I-I'm so close. But I want us to...together. [ As he juts his hips a bit more in abortive movements. ]
[ The kiss that he returns is all clumsy and teeth. Nothing like the more thoughtful kisses he gave Viktor earlier. He's keeping himself together, just barely. He had known he missed being touched like this, but now he really realizes how much he had been craving it. Despite the clumsy kisses and moans into Viktor's mouth, he hears Viktor's plea. ]
Ah - yeah.
[ He loves the thought. He keeps the pace of his fingers slow and careful. He tries to slow it down a little, it's not a race after all. Just enough that he'll be able to get closer to that edge before he works his hands more.
Viktor's hand is doing a good job at bringing Jayce closer and closer to that edge. He moans out Viktor's name, and he whispers: ]
I thought about you -- [ He ruts his hips into Viktor's hips, letting out a small whine that shifts into a moan. ] When I was alone. [ In that cave. And given the timing of the admission, he clearly means like this. He thought of every piece of Viktor and how good they were for the whole. ]
Ah. D-Did you? Was it like this? [ A whispered tease as he presses further against the other man. Jayce slowing down makes Viktor let out a noise of frustration, but also want and desire. He needs just a little more, just more in general; this wasn't nearly enough by any stretch of the imagination. Viktor's hand stutters around both their lengths, stilling as Jayce ruts up into him so desperately and needy like that.
He'll keep his eyes firmly fixed on Jayce's face as he starts up his own ministrations again, his hand moving deftly and quickly. He's so close... ]
You're so good for me, Jayce. [ He'll say in a breathless moan as he finally feels himself spill over the ledge, hips jutting against Jayce's, his seed spilling between them both as he lets out a soft, shaky exhale. ]
[ Jayce can't help but smile at Viktor's question. There were things that were certainly like he had imagined. But that pit was lonely and it was just him, his thoughts, and his hand. ]
This is better.
[ This was the best version of anything his mind could have come up with him. If he imagined Viktor's hand on him stroking him like this — it didn't even come close to the real thing. Viktor's hand is real and Viktor is real and it's the most real version of an experience like this that he's had with his partner.
A moan, and he drowns in that praise. Viktor calling him good like that. He picks up the pace with his fingers inside Viktor, pressing and probing to find the spot that gives him the best possible sounds. He comes himself soon after Viktor between the both of them, crushing their lips together as he does, moaning into Viktor's mouth.]
[ Viktor pants into that kiss making noises as Jayce's fingers continue to fuck him through his release. He'll pant against the other's shoulder, eyes half-lidded and filled with nothing but desire as he brings a hand up to card through Jayce's hair. ] You are perfect, Jayce.
[ Perfect for me is unsaid as he presses languid kisses against the other's lips, cheeks, pressing their foreheads together with a soft sigh. ]
[ Jayce smiles, panting as their foreheads are pressed together. He knows that he's confessed a lot of terrible things, but he also shared the most important thing he's held onto. And that confession makes him feel so much lighter. He's glad that he could offer that much to Viktor. ]
As if you have room to talk.
[ Viktor calls him perfect, but he knows he's not. He doesn't debate it, though. Besides, he knows it's all about perception, Viktor sees him in a way only Viktor can. Just as Jayce sees him. He slips his hand out of Viktor, settling it against the other's hip. ]
[ Viktor can't help but laugh a little at that. ] You're the only one who sees me as such. But I never did care about how others viewed me.
[ It was always about how others would see Jayce if found together in his company. ] As long as I had you, it didn't seem as hard, life, I mean.
[ When the pain in his leg and back were almost too much to bear Jayce would always notice and offer to aid him. Brushing him off as he had back then...it was quite foolish of him, he realizes now. His fingers idly glide over Jayce's skin as he looks him directly in the eye. ] I want to make up for lost time here, with you.
[ Jayce looks comfortable and settled in. His mind feels quiet, which was rare for him. He smiles, soft and easy. He grips Viktor close, pulling the other against him so it's skin against skin. His fingers remain on Viktor's hip, though they trace idly there. ]
We'll take every moment we can and make it ours, Viktor.
[ And Viktor's fingers will trace idly across Jayce's arm before brushing some of the longer strands of hair from his face. Viktor looks away, flustered, at his own spontaneous actions. ] I would...like that very much, Jayce.
[ The delivery is a little stilted, but the sincerity is there as he stares back at Jayce. He's so handsome - is the idle thought that runs through his mind randomly.
He'll blink owlishly as he gives the other an affectionate look. ]
[ He's enjoying the moment tucked against Viktor like this. He likes the way that the two can quietly talk like this. Jayce feels unburdened, too. There were still things Viktor didn't know, but he knew what Jayce had done - will do - to him. He knew why, too. Jayce understood why more after he did it than before he had. He hated that he came to understand his affection fully too late at home.
This is a chance he didn't know if he'd get. At home, will that Viktor be receptive of the way he feels? He just doesn't know.
He'll whisper, again, with quiet confessions. ]
You make my world feel quiet, Viktor. [ In the best way possible. No one else has been able to do that for him. ]
[ Viktor smiles small but so full of love and affection back at Jayce, a hand lightly carding through the other's hair. ] Good. I would have been extremely embarrassed if you had said otherwise.
[ Amusing. ]
If I can do even that much for you, Jayce, then I will. [ He'll press his forehead against Jayce's, a small but intimate gesture seen in Zaun customs. ]
[ He doesn't know if he can fully explain to Viktor what it is that he does for Jayce. What he does for him. He doesn't know the significance of that forehead touch, but he knows how nice it is to feel that close. His arms shift, moving around Viktor's shoulders.
He's affectionate like this by nature, this isn't something new to Viktor. ]
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[ Viktor's expression, mostly his eyes, gleam with arousal and amusement. He huffs a soft laugh from his lips as he gives Jayce this look of adoration and unbridled love. Like everything he's ever held inside himself for the last seven years comes pouring out from beneath the surface.
He cocks his head to the side with a smirk as he shudders watching Jayce with hungry, inquisitive eyes. ]
Then you'll have to show me what that entails, taking matters into your hands. Purely for exploratory purposes.
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I can...
[ Councilor. It must be the way that Viktor says it that makes him actually like the title. He's pretty certain, though, that the man could have been saying just about anything and Jayce would be feeling the same way from it. He shifts his body a little, scooting so he's between Viktor's legs. He's moving his lips over the sensitive flesh of the man's inner thigh again, this time with distinct purpose.
He understand how this works in theory, but not really in much practice. So some of it is him experimenting with his lips and hands to see how Viktor reacts. How he moves his lips over the length of the man's cock, placing gentle kisses over it. Using his mouth, as he said he would. It's when he takes the head of it into his mouth that he finally coats fingers with lube. Again, just as promised. ]
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It's only when Jayce finally takes him into his mouth that Viktor makes a noise, a whimper, short and sweet as his back arches ever so slightly. Feeling the heat of Jayce's mouth around his arousal is almost enough to make him squirm. He will grab some of Jayce's hair, fingers curling into the messy locks, and give a soft tug, making note of his approval. ] That's good, Jayce.
[ Just like that. It feels divine to finally be under Jayce's hand. Something electrifying and powerful about it makes his own cock go hard with excitement and the thrums of pleasure igniting within his body. ] Keep...keep going.
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He'll take Viktor's tugs on his hair as guidance, appreciation, and it's what keeps him focused and intense. His head only stills so he can focus on another task.
He's careful with his hands, moving them up Viktor's inner thighs, spreading his legs just a little more so that he can move his lubed up fingers towards the man's entrance. His first finger gently moves over the muscle there, probing it at first.
It's a silent question with a chance to protest, knowing well that Viktor has a mouth free to object. Gently, he uses his first finger to press into his entrance. His own fingers are larger than Viktor's, so he's slow and careful, dragging his tongue over the tip of his cock to distract from any potential discomfort. ]
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He'll use his other free hand to twist it into the sheets of the bed as his face goes red hot and he can't help but turn his head away, eyes fluttering closed. ] J-Jayce. Please...
[ It's almost a whine how his voice is pried from his throat, how his body shudders in excitement and need. He needs to feel more though because he's so, so, close. ] Please...another one, Jayce, inside me.
[ He can handle it. It's intoxicating, and Viktor can't seem to get enough of it either. ]
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At the request, he pulls his fingers out, and uses two to probe at Viktor's entrance. Jayce is slow with this part - ensuring that he doesn't hurt Viktor by going too quickly. He has large hands, and it's something he has to consider in this. But he'd also never stop giving the other man what he wants here.
He lets out a pleased groan against Viktor's cock as two fingers are fully inside him. He starts to gently move his fingers back - and then back into Viktor. He finally pulls his mouth off of his cock and smiles. ]
You feel and taste really good already, Viktor. [ The proper training if Piltover society has well been dropped and replaced with zero shame in the admission. ]
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The introduction of two fingers inside of him gets a soft moan of Jayce to be pulled from Viktor's mouth around the panting and heavy breathing he's doing already. He's so close to climax, and then Jayce stops, and Viktor can't help but let out a soft noise of disappointment, the hand in Jayce's hair tugging a little. His half-lidded eyes look down between his quivering legs, face going red hot at those ridiculous words. ]
I-I was getting close. [ A click of his tongue as he tilts his head to the side. ] You are doing so well, Jayce.
[ He wants to kiss him, to taste himself on Jayce's tongue, and his eyes indicate that easily enough with how they stare at Jayce's lips. ]
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Sorry.
[ Somehow, it's sincere. Maybe he shouldn't have stopped, but the look he's getting now opens up a different door. It barely takes him a moment to decide where he wants to put his mouth to use. He wants to be gentle as he moves and maneuvers Viktor, careful with each shift of his weight to not hurt either of them. The kiss this time is almost clumsy as he finds a comfortable position, fingers working still slowly and unsteadily. ]
I won't leave you wanting, I promise.
[ And a promise he'll keep. ]
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He wants more, needs more of Jayce inside of him. He presses his lips hungrily against Jayce's lips, teeth clattering clumsily against each other as he uses his tongue to get a better taste of Jayce and himself on Jayce's lips. It's almost enough to push him over the edge, but not entirely. As Jayce works himself inside Viktor, he'll use his hips to try and sink himself lower onto Jayce's hand. It feels so good, and he'll moan against Jayce's lips as his kisses him while also keeping his attention firmly on Jayce. ] You better-ah, keep it.
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Viktor feeling good is his top priority right now. He wants nothing more than to know that he was the reason Viktor felt good, too. He wants to give him everything and anything that he can. He takes Viktor's urging with his hips and moves his fingers, thrusting them hard inside of the other. He curls one of his fingers slightly. ]
I will. I love you.
[ It's natural now. Like second nature. Telling Viktor he loves him is easy because Viktor makes it easy for Jayce to love him. It's second nature. And while it may have taken him 7 years to realize how effortless it was, he's going to hold onto that feeling. His lips part, giving Viktor every part of his mouth, allowing him to claim it for himself. He moans, Vik.
He grinds his hips against Viktor's, wanting some of that friction for himself. He's got a good rhythm going with his hand now, steady and rough. ]
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His hand might delve into the space between them both and will do a decent job of steadying their cocks together as he proceeds to run his hand up both their lengths. ]
I want you to enjoy this as-as well. [ He knows Jayce is enjoying it, but in the way of giving Viktor what he so desperately wants. Jayce was always like that, putting others before himself and his own comforts, but Viktor knew it well and wouldn't allow for him to go unattended for any longer. A soft 'ah' from him as he pants into Jayce's lips before kissing him again. His eyes half-lidded, face completely flushed, he can't help but moan into Jayce's mouth as they continue. ]
I-I'm so close. But I want us to...together. [ As he juts his hips a bit more in abortive movements. ]
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Ah - yeah.
[ He loves the thought. He keeps the pace of his fingers slow and careful. He tries to slow it down a little, it's not a race after all. Just enough that he'll be able to get closer to that edge before he works his hands more.
Viktor's hand is doing a good job at bringing Jayce closer and closer to that edge. He moans out Viktor's name, and he whispers: ]
I thought about you -- [ He ruts his hips into Viktor's hips, letting out a small whine that shifts into a moan. ] When I was alone. [ In that cave. And given the timing of the admission, he clearly means like this. He thought of every piece of Viktor and how good they were for the whole. ]
Close...
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He'll keep his eyes firmly fixed on Jayce's face as he starts up his own ministrations again, his hand moving deftly and quickly. He's so close... ]
You're so good for me, Jayce. [ He'll say in a breathless moan as he finally feels himself spill over the ledge, hips jutting against Jayce's, his seed spilling between them both as he lets out a soft, shaky exhale. ]
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This is better.
[ This was the best version of anything his mind could have come up with him. If he imagined Viktor's hand on him stroking him like this — it didn't even come close to the real thing. Viktor's hand is real and Viktor is real and it's the most real version of an experience like this that he's had with his partner.
A moan, and he drowns in that praise. Viktor calling him good like that. He picks up the pace with his fingers inside Viktor, pressing and probing to find the spot that gives him the best possible sounds. He comes himself soon after Viktor between the both of them, crushing their lips together as he does, moaning into Viktor's mouth.]
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[ Perfect for me is unsaid as he presses languid kisses against the other's lips, cheeks, pressing their foreheads together with a soft sigh. ]
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As if you have room to talk.
[ Viktor calls him perfect, but he knows he's not. He doesn't debate it, though. Besides, he knows it's all about perception, Viktor sees him in a way only Viktor can. Just as Jayce sees him. He slips his hand out of Viktor, settling it against the other's hip. ]
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[ It was always about how others would see Jayce if found together in his company. ] As long as I had you, it didn't seem as hard, life, I mean.
[ When the pain in his leg and back were almost too much to bear Jayce would always notice and offer to aid him. Brushing him off as he had back then...it was quite foolish of him, he realizes now. His fingers idly glide over Jayce's skin as he looks him directly in the eye. ] I want to make up for lost time here, with you.
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We'll take every moment we can and make it ours, Viktor.
[ HA soft chuckle. ]
This went...somewhere unexpected.
[ He doesn't sound disappointed. ]
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[ The delivery is a little stilted, but the sincerity is there as he stares back at Jayce. He's so handsome - is the idle thought that runs through his mind randomly.
He'll blink owlishly as he gives the other an affectionate look. ]
A good unexpected, I hope?
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[ He's enjoying the moment tucked against Viktor like this. He likes the way that the two can quietly talk like this. Jayce feels unburdened, too. There were still things Viktor didn't know, but he knew what Jayce had done - will do - to him. He knew why, too. Jayce understood why more after he did it than before he had. He hated that he came to understand his affection fully too late at home.
This is a chance he didn't know if he'd get. At home, will that Viktor be receptive of the way he feels? He just doesn't know.
He'll whisper, again, with quiet confessions. ]
You make my world feel quiet, Viktor. [ In the best way possible. No one else has been able to do that for him. ]
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[ Amusing. ]
If I can do even that much for you, Jayce, then I will. [ He'll press his forehead against Jayce's, a small but intimate gesture seen in Zaun customs. ]
And you make mine feel less lonely.
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[ He doesn't know if he can fully explain to Viktor what it is that he does for Jayce. What he does for him. He doesn't know the significance of that forehead touch, but he knows how nice it is to feel that close. His arms shift, moving around Viktor's shoulders.
He's affectionate like this by nature, this isn't something new to Viktor. ]
I wish I knew sooner how I felt.
[ That's a load of regret right there. ]